I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
You Might Also Like
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!