Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
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My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.