Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
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I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?