My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
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*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
This anagram machine is out of order.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”