MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
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My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?