I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
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other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
not seeing the problem
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income