Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
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i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Canadian owl: Eh?
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
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As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys