[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
The devil.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop