This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
You Might Also Like
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house