I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
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“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.