We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
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911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
inventing words: clothing
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances