911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
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Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”