One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
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Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.