*weigh myself*
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…

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WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting


I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.


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me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun


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Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.