*weigh myself*
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…

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a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip


“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb


“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why


[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”


I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.


A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
& sadly trots away



Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.



ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not


In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.


Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.