@garrydavenport

*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…

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@ArfMeasures

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting

@mommajessiec

I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.

@TylerLinkin

What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.

@pixelatedboat

It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit

@GoodZiIIa

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

@MomOnFire

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

@koviebiakolo

lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥

@heymonroe

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.