@garrydavenport

*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…

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@English_Channel

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

@peteholmes

“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb

@woodmuffin

“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why

@david8hughes

[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”

@LackOfShame

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

@Where__wolf

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

@XplodingUnicorn

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[debate]

ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not

@XplodingUnicorn

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

@retniw_nuf

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.