There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
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ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.