rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
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How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
me hooking up with my ex
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism: