Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
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Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.