genie: please no
millipede: more legs
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My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Swedish for common sense.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
I found your tweet-up…
How is it still this week?
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.