How is it still this week?
You Might Also Like
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
A family that plays together cheats.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*