Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
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2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”