When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
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This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator