Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
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I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.