When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
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my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens