Thanks to a fan for this one!
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Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
*3.5 thank you very much.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Smells like a challenge to me
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour