He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
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Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Good news
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.