I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
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Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat