I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

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I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.


You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.


Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.

Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.


i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before


I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.


Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:

1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math


Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.


Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird