3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
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Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way