ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
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Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.