“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
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I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
The pasta is now
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there