I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
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*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.