My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
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Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.