Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
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Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
My neck my back my allergy attack
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything