Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
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Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.