When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
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33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Breaking news:
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*