If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
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It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?