Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
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STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Why is no one talking about this?!
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight