The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
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Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
The days of good grammer has went
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
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