The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
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An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.