Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language

Do one person every day that scares you.

[first date]

Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys

Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]

I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.

I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up

WORK FROM HOME TIPS:

Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart

Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”

Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”

Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”

Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”

someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands

The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

Sleeping In A Car By Age:

12 And Under: Very cool

13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal

18+: Uh-Oh

My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”

i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit

Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.

Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“

Me- “tf did you just call me?”

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream