i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
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these two trucks have the same bed length
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
beware of dog
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever