Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
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Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.