“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
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why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*