“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
You Might Also Like
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
How do dragons blow out candles?
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Hotels are back
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.