I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
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[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Very good! 👍😂
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.