Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
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Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I have no passwords left in me
Hamburger Hinderer.
#Caturday
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.