[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
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karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
saw this in a dream
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”