I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
You Might Also Like
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder