Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
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[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too