Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
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Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*