Croquettes are not female crocodiles
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What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Best spot.. 😅
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
This rocks
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.