Croquettes are not female crocodiles

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suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”


*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.


My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.


Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.


RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”


15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.

This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!


[Alien vs Predator]

Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school


“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*


Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon


When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.