@ColoradoCrow
@spookyDichotomy suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
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@spookyDichotomy 
@krisv_723 *My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
@RandomAntics My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
@LizHackett Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
@BassoonJokes RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
@Try2StopME 15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
@Reel2Dialog2 [Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
@glum_and_fun “we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
@thedad Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
@SonOfCha When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.