@ColoradoCrow

Croquettes are not female crocodiles

You Might Also Like

@spookyDichotomy

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

@krisv_723

*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.

@RandomAntics

My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.

@LizHackett

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.

@BassoonJokes

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

@Try2StopME

15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.

This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!

@Reel2Dialog2

[Alien vs Predator]

Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school

@glum_and_fun

“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*

@thedad

Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon

@SonOfCha

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.