He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
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BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…