A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
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My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅