Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
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During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…